Its been a very shaky start to 2020 but after many a COVID related hiatus's things are finally very slowly moving in a forward direction Our very yummy 4 poster beds arrive in 3 weeks after a 9 month wait. I ( the owner) have finally been able to get back to Newcastle after 7 months of border related issues. Over the last few days I have had the honor of meeting with a number of professionals who will be working with us in the future I am so excited as to whats to come in Newcastle in the realms of sex and sexuality !!!!!!!! Ladies I am dedicating two rooms to the development of feminine energy so look out !!!!!! We are also very lucky to have some industry bloggers keen to share their writing talents and information with you Today we have our first guest blog Ava's blogs are going to be a regular feature I feel very privileged
THE NEW BDSM By Ava Reinhart
Most within the sex industry will have some awareness of BDSM and what this entails. However, within the kink and polyamorous community, a new BDSM acronym is emerging and community members argue that it is perhaps more important.
Kink communities are notorious for rigorous consent practices and conversations around boundaries, and this is how members remain safe and heard. It could be argued that these same practices are significant in external communities and casual dating.
So, what is this new BDSM framework – or R-BDSM, rather? A simple conversational framework that ensures clarity, safety and depth of connection (even in casual interactions). It stands for: Relationships, Boundaries, Desire, Sexual health, Meaning. With this framework in mind, we can begin to piece together why sex workers and the sex industry are so valuable. Let’s break it down.
Relationships: parties disclose any existing relationships they are engaged in, or have recently been engaged in.
Boundaries: parties disclose where they draw the line, whether it be discomfort, previous traumas or particular language they find uncomfortable. Boundaries are subject to change and should be discussed after sexual interactions – for example, during aftercare or cool down (we can explore these later).
Desire: this step can be a whole practice in its own, and there are a number of sexy and comprehensive frameworks to support it. In this instance, it can be used as a brief pre-coital discussion to mention any particular dynamics, positions, phrases or roleplays that one might find attractive. Other holistic frameworks might give space for partners to discuss desires like threesomes, or perhaps kinks that require a bit more preparation, like a set.
Sexual Health: partners can make sure there is safe space for any necessary disclosures, expectation for barrier protection or other contraceptives, recent checks or the methods of contraception being used with other partners. It is important this step is discussed from a place of love, not judgement. It also means that partners are provided with the information needed to properly consent to the interaction.
Meaning: this is my favourite, and extraordinarily valuable for harm minimization and depth of connection. Harm, discomfort, resentment, heartbreak – these are just some of the emotions that a partner may experience when the meaning of an interaction is misconstrued. Sometimes, I prompt clients to reflect on the following question: “how many people would I have had sex in my lifetime if I had discussed meaning, before sex?” It’s often substantially less. So, perhaps we would have less sexual experiences, but our interactions would be more considerate of the needs of our partners, ourselves, and it’s likely we would have less difficult conversations later. During sex, we may find ourselves moderating how connected or romantic we are with our partners, out of fear that the meaning of sex will be misconstrued. By discussing meaning before sex, we can lean into romance and vulnerability without fear.
Similar to any component of a relationship, all of these factors can be revisited and re-negotiated throughout sex and relationships. What is most important, is that we can feel connected, seen, vulnerable and as though our needs are met – a core human need. We also minimize harm and allow ourselves and our partners a safe conversation to consent to all factors that can have an impact on a person. It’s good practice and becomes natural, soon enough. So, considering this framework, how do we think sex workers play a valuable role in sex, relationships and harm minimisation? Up next.